reasons to breathe (c)

A swish of air, barely loud enough over the rain for the dozing Kiyoshi's ears to catch. Even if he'd heard, he'd have attributed it to the wind, a companion that sometimes sang to him on days he was restless. A few seconds later, and quiet bird sounds sounded in the sort of ally he'd retreated into. These he didn't miss, and he sighed inwardly, not bothering to open his eyes to see who it was. He already knew, in a way. There was no one else who'd try and make time for him.

A soft greeting that addressed him as otouto only confirmed his thoughts. It was only then that ruby eyes revealed themselves, a flutter of pale lashes against pale skin, darkened by the shadow of the overhang. Hitomi. It figured he could never be too happy. Happiness for him was a transient thing, and even in his joy, there was a hint of the negative emotions he housed. They were at the very core of his being, so how could they not be there?

"Aneki," he greeted in turn, smiling. It was his usual smile, mirthless but kind, nothing more than a slight upwards quirk of his lips. It revealed absolutely nothing about what he was thinking at all, except maybe it did: it showed how little he trusted his sister. He'd long since stopped calling her cute names like Nee-chan and Hito-nee, and the last time he'd even called her by her name was back in their academy days. The fact that the brunette had addressed him by his title, and not his name was yet another hint of their growing distance, though that may've been to the silver-haired one only.

"No, not at all. What I'm really escaping from is...home." It was an honest answer, and if one listened closely enough, they would realize that what he really meant was his family, including the masked girl who'd approached him. Even so, the boy hesitated on the last word. Home hadn't really been the right term. Home was a name for a safe haven, and the Hane house was anything but that.

"Anyway," he continued, without missing a beat, "what brings you here? I'd have thought you'd be with Otou-san by now." If you looked at it one way, the comment could be harmless enough, just a statement of the fact. With Kiyoshi though, he had a way of giving it a mocking tone that was there as much as it was not.

He could still salvage his day by hurting his sister and trying to get her to hate him. Because if he did, it would be his greatest success yet. It was a cruel thing to think, but he had already crossed that line long ago, chasing everyone away from him.

Smiling red eyes, as smooth and impregnable as well-cut rubies, drank each of the girl's reactions as one would drink water in a desert. Though it was well-hidden, they were greedy, always thirsting for more. But on the flipside, however, they were also careful and restrained, and any ripple of emotion that he allowed to mar his smooth mirror face was monitored and kept to a minimum.

The wobbly smile. The look away. Despite the fact he couldn't see his sister's eyes (he had always loved and hated those beautiful bird eyes), each gave the his companion's feelings away, and each was a silent victory for him to savor, bittersweet like coffee with too much sugar. It hadn't always been this way, but he couldn't remember when exactly it'd started either. At first, he'd only lashed out because he had been confused about how he'd felt about her. Now, it had become like an instinct, a habit. A game.

As his sister settled herself across from him and rattled off responses to his hurtful words, all the while smiling that bashfully hopeful smile of hers, it was Kiyoshi's turn to want to turn away. Conflicting emotions swirled within him, a whirlpool that sucked him in and drowned him, every time. No one would save him, he already knew that. And even if they promised to do so, it was all a lie. The first few times he'd believed they could and reached out for them (them, he couldn't really remember who and what they were anymore), they'd pulled him out and then tossed him back in again with nothing but more wounds to show.

He was like a fish they'd caught but released with the fins cut off.

To Kiyoshi, the world was this: one big lie, a trick that only the naive fell for. His academy schoolmates had all tricked him, making him think they were friends when in reality, they'd turn their back on him as easily as one would swat a fly. His family was the same. Otou-san, denying that he played favorites (Kiyoshi was sure he had, once, even if it wasn't too his face or in those exact words), and then running off to play with his firstborn only. Okaa-san, who would worry about him one second, and then turn her back on him the next. This was the way the boy perceived things, whether they was a truly accurate representation of the truth or not.

Then there was his sister. In a way, the silver-haired teen would always think of her as his beloved Hito-nee. Kind and gentle, she was something to be protected and cherished. But her kindness was also what wounded him the most. He hated her for being the one who was loved, and yet loved her all the same for the kindness she showed to him. It was the same with her eyes: they were beautiful, and he was proud that she'd been born with them, but at the same time, he cursed them, for they were something that marked him as inferior.

Those eyes, eyes he couldn't even remember the color of anymore, they made him want to bash his head against the wall; he feared he might go mad over them. Different parts of himself kept telling him different things: her eyes are special, and he wanted to keep them for himself; but for what reason? Was it because he loved them too much and wanted no one else to see them, or was it because he was envious of them and wanted a pair for himself?

There were too many things he wanted to say to her, but instead, he kept them to himself. He pushed her away, and pushed others away too: he wouldn't play favorites like his father. If he was going to hate one person, then he might as well hate them all. Hurting Hito-nee exclusively would have been wrong of him.

And so he ended up wounding the very thing he wanted to protect.

For a long time, he tried to convince himself that he was right to hurt her the way he did. She was a trickster: she took all the love for him away, and then tricked him into loving her as well. Then there was the fact her brother was a terrible brother, for ever wishing ill on her. He hurt her as a way to make her stop coming back, but she still came, always looking for love again.

By the time he was a teenager, he'd realized that he was all sorts of messed up. And by then, he didn't know how to tell his sister the things he felt, his confusion, his love and hate. He'd spent so much time hating everything that in the end, the only words that came out of his mouth were the hateful ones, and it was only the angry feelings that he understood best. He couldn't see the daylight anymore, and the glass would always be half empty now. He would only ever be able to see the flaws now.

"Well then," he said thoughtfully, pretending to consider the brunette's "peace-offering." It was easy to see that she was trying to reach out to him again. "Hello." Then he got to his feet. "If that was all you wanted, then goodbye." Carefully making sure he didn't step on Hitomi, he made his way back out under the pouring rain, immediately getting drenched. Then he walked away, hands stuffed in his pockets, looking for all the world as if he was taking a walk under a cloudless blue sky.

Rage triumphed over everything now, and behind his smiling eyes and face, it writhed like a serpent that tried to eat his heart. Would she follow him or would she back down again? Was she a weakling? Was her kindness genuine enough? Though he could've just Shunshin'd away and risked killing himself slipping somewhere or something, he simply walked, a cheshire cat grin playing on his lips. It was his test, yet another one, and he knew he was playing hard-to-get. It was unfair of him to keep forcing his sister to only give, and never receive, but maybe, if she could manage to convince him that she cared enough, maybe he would one day be able to start and tell her of the things he hid. Maybe, if it wasn't already too late.

But that had yet to be decided.

The cold that came with being drenched to the bone was well worth the way his normally fluffy hair clung to his scalp and face and the way his ninja clothes clung to his thin, bony frame. It made everything so much sharper and clearer, and it pulled him away from his confusing thoughts. It was, in his eyes, a gift: just one more reason why he lived for rain days.

With a vague sense of surprise (though was he really surprised? it wasn't like this was the first time she'd chased him down), he realized that his sister had followed him out into the downpour. He immediately beat it and his satisfaction down; he had to think cold and numb. He didn't deserve to feel as happy as he did that she'd come after him, and neither did she deserve the amount of heartache her wayward brother brought. Once again, Kiyoshi had to come to terms with how disgustingly selfish he'd become. What did he think he was accomplishing by playing hard-to-get? Just how much of his unfairness could Hitomi take? Who was he to push her away and yet yearn for her to approach him?

When the weight of a hand fell on his shoulder, he was unable to withhold his body's flinch and subsequent recoil. Regardless of what his sister might think of that, it had been nothing intentional. The boy had simply become so unaccustomed to actions of intimacy that his body could only view them with hostility, as if they were a threat. And they had been, in a way. His mother's so-called love had once tried to tie him down, and his father's so-called love meant that he'd be second forever. Love meant a lot of hurt, and Kiyoshi could admit that he wasn't strong or stable enough to deal with that.

Maybe it was the rain, or maybe it was just the way Hitomi begged for him to stay that made him turn around and face her. He wanted to shake her, and angrily demand how she could let go of her pride so easily. She was a Hane, wasn't she? She was the clan's next head. How could she be reduced to begging so easily? If it were anyone but him, her very pleas would've been considered a disgrace. And that wasn't to say he cared for the clan all that much, but he neither wanted his sister to be picked on for being shameful, and nor did he want her to cause as much suffering as he did.

Eyes flashing dangerously, he stared critically at the small brunette. His first words were cold: "Don't beg. Know your place, Aneki." It was a rebuke and a reminder all in once. Technically speaking, he was being disrespectful to his older sister for saying such a thing, but no one else was within earshot, meaning she wouldn't lose face, and if no one else would remind her, then he would. It was a reminder, anyhow, of how she was of a higher status than he was, and didn't need to beg. In fact, she could've just ordered him to stay or go somewhere with her, though whether or not he would've obeyed was uncertain.

Truth be told though, it was probably better that Hitomi hadn't ordered him around. His was a free spirit, and to bind it down would only bring about unnecessary resentment. Anyway, rain days were supposed to be good days, so he decided to humor her for once. "We don't have all day, then," he complied almost grudgingly, by way of agreeing to follow her someplace. He'd let his sister decide where and what to do, because if it was up to him, he'd have simply found somewhere dry to take a nap or read or something. Being wet didn't bother him too much.

Would the outing truly be fun though, as Hitomi had claimed? Kiyoshi was skeptical. If anything, brushing off his sister's request would have been an act of mercy. Sure, she'd be hurt by the fact that he hadn't agreed, but at least it would've been...short-term? It meant he'd have been removed from her presence, which was just a nicer way of saying that she wouldn't have had a sharp tongue targeting her at any possible moment.

For a moment, he thought of rusted knives and glimmering kunai, of lacerations, red against pale skin. If he could visualize his words as items, then they would be knives, and the wounds they inflicted would be on the surface of the soul. Not even Medical Ninjutsu could heal wounds like those, and that was something he found morbidly fascinating.

Choosing not to comment on the statement prior to his agreement and chastening, he simply shrugged. Though the rain could change his views on the days, it couldn't change the smile that was his pokerface, especially when he was around people and/or things that kept him from completely lowering his guard.

...It had to have been the rain, because his good mood surprised even himself. "Up to you, Princess," he said nonchalantly, and though it would only serve as another reminder to the two's differing social standings, as well as a crack at her authority, but he couldn't deny the hint of dry humor that had entered his tone. Though it wasn't much different from his normal tone, it was clear to his own ears, as they were so used to hearing something of a more patronizing tone.

He hoped his sister hadn't noticed.

Though he often hid out in the many natural caves that accompanied the mountainous terrain of his home, Kiyoshi had made it a point to avoid the tunnels he'd been hearing so much about. He wasn't a social bee, and he found his own caves far more interesting. They also provided for a quick campsite lest he ever needed to get away from home, and his best places were always well-hidden. They were like his list of reasons to breathe, a precious secret that was carefully guarded. They were also the reason why his room was so spartan, and why most if not all of his personal possessions could fit into his set of drawers.

Not that he would let his sister know about any of that though. It did strike him as a little strange that Hitomi'd pick tunnels of all things to show him; he hadn't thought she'd be interested in things like that. Had she had a chakra nature of doton, he would've at least had some sort of explanation that was borderline plausible, but as it was now, he was drawing a blank. It probably just showed how little he tried to associate with her now. Quietly, he added yet another thing on his list of things he didn't know about Hitomi (he liked lists: they were orderly and it was a good way to remember things), the first of which was the fact he'd forgotten the color of her eyes.

At least now he kind of knew she liked tunnels too. And that she was somewhat social, if she had heard from the other village Genin. The former did make him take note of the fact that he may have to stick to his farther, more hidden caves if he ever felt the need to flee from home. Oh well. If the trip was as fun as his sister had promised, then maybe he'd feel generous enough to show her one that they could hide in from the rain.